Relief in Being Awake
by Brinal1
Summary: What happens when Peeta and Katniss finally decide they are one and Gale has a girlfriend who absolutely HATES Katniss.  Takes place after the war and there is little to no violence. I own none of the rights to the character or plot
1. Chapter 1

"It's only right, Katniss," Peeta says handing the stack of letters over to me. I stare at his hand for a minute before resolving to take them. I stuff them in my game bag that is sitting by my rocking chair.

"When I'm ready," I say. He watches me, intently, but I dodge his gaze. I hate feeling like I'm unable to do this for him. It's just a few letters, but who knows what, or who's, words lie within them. What or who's sympathies will be expressed because of Prim's death. After breaking the news to Buttercup, I think I am done facing it. At least for now.  
>Peeta purses his lips and move to the kitchen where Greasy Sae left us some warm grain and stew. He returns with two bowls, two spoons and a few cubes of bread. I take the bowl, grateful, but not very hungry. He eats in silence. I watch the fire dance around the fire place. Then I watch the fire dance in his clear blue eyes. I wonder, is that how he saw me, The Girl on Fire? Was I the fire dancing in Peeta's eyes for so long before someone finally smothered it? I'm thankful that, just like our costumes in the Quarter Quell, there were still a few embers burning. Peeta realized I wasn't eating and sat my bowl aside for Buttercup.<br>"Do you mind if Buttercup has your dinner?" he asks softly. I shake my head, refocused on the fire. Buttercup materializes at the sound of his name. He tucked his face into the bowl and didn't come up for air. Buttercup and I have been on better terms since I fixed his back paw.  
>"What time is it?" I ask Peeta.<br>"Seven."  
>I had slept the day away. If it weren't for my mother calling, I wouldn't have gotten up at all. Peeta is just looking over the book we started when I decide to go to my room. I plop on the bed and wonder about Gale. After so long, why hasn't he called? Is he afraid that I blame him for Prim's death? Does he think I have chosen Peeta, therefore, forgetting about him completely? I do miss him. He was the only piece of my "pre-games" life I had left besides Buttercup. But Buttercup isn't too keen on me.<br>Before I know it, I am awaken by Peeta lying next to me, stroking my face.  
>"You were crying," he says. I exhale and choke down a sob. It just never seems like the right time to let it all out. "I'm sorry," he whispers.<br>"For what?" I ask. I search his eyes for some sign of cloudiness. Is he about to try to hurt me again? I pull back just a bit. "I'm sorry I hurt you, Katniss. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry I couldn't help save Finnick or Mags… or anyone really." I look into his eyes and search for something to say. I know I have been vacant so I can't let him down right now.

"You saved me," I whisper. He looks into my eyes. "You gave me bread when I was about to give up on myself and starve to death. You protected me from the Careers. You saved me from Cato. You kept me going in the Quarter Quell. You kept me from taking the Nightlock. And you saved me here, again, when I thought I had no one."

Tears well in his eyes, "and here, I just thought I was someone needing to be saved and you were my hero." He smiles. I shake my head. He looked at me so closely I wanted to shy away. So intensely I wanted to ask him what it is that he was looking for. Before I could protest, he pulled me in to his lips. I kissed him so hungrily, feeling that heat that I felt on the beach. I wanted so much more, but the harder I kissed, the hungrier I became for him. To taste his lips, to feel his fingers and to be in his arms.

A feeling swept over me. I wanted to remove his shirt, but I was so inexperienced at such a thing. As if he read my mind, he slowly slid his hand under my shirt, caressing my back. Involuntarily, I moan. I had never been touched in such a way. He pulls my body into his and I wrap myself around him, never letting go of his lips. I slide my fingers through his blond hair and hear him exhale.

He pulls away just long enough to remove my shirt and his. I immediately become conscious of the pink skin patches on my body. I must have tensed because he whispered, "Katniss, I've got them too." He was right. I forgot we were both burned by the same fire. Both. Peeta and I. The only other person who has been through the same thing as I had and has managed to come out pure and sweet, still.

I remove my pants and then undergarments. He does the same. There was an awkward moment between us where we examined each other's damages. "You are beautiful," he says. His tone was as sincere as it was the day he confessed his love in the Capitol. I wrap my arms around him and kiss him. I let gentle finger tips explore his body and he did the same.  
>He rolled me over, gently lying on top of me. For a moment, we are lost. Afraid of the next step. Neither of us are familiar with this. After all we've been through, we are unsure how to approach this simple animal instinct. "Will you help me?" He asks. "I don't want to hurt you."<br>So I help him. Before I know it, I am tensed and shaking. "Am I hurting you? Do you want me to stop?"

"No," I say. I can't quit place the feeling. It wasn't exactly pain, but really, what is after all I have been through? After a few minutes, I am in a place that only pleasure can live. We both inhale sharply. He rests the weight of his body on mine and becomes so gentle I begin to cry silently. I cry because I love him, because I am in love with him and because I know he feels the same. There is no amount of morphling in the world that could have made me feel the Peeta makes me feel. He kisses me and it feels so brand new. He puts his hand on the side of my face and feels my tears.

"Are you okay, Katniss? Am I hurting you?" He stops moving and looks and at me.

"No, Peeta. Please don't stop?" He continues. After a while he seems to be in pain, I suspect his prostatic leg really offers no support, so I tell him to lie down and I take over.  
>Before I know it, we fall into each other's arms and stay that way for about an hour. Neither one of us sleeping, because for the first time, there is relief in being awake. I lay on top of him, staring out of the window as he strokes my hair.<p>

"Katniss?" He whispers.

"Yes?"

"You are in love with me, real or not real?"

"So very real, Peeta." I answer. He kisses my forehead and drifts to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Sometimes I look at him and wonder what it is that he loves about me. I sit on the couch with Buttercup and he sits in the rocking chair drawing something. After last night, I find it hard not to want to be around him. It's as if I want all of his attention all of the time. I know he has no problem giving it to me but I feel as if I shouldn't depend on him like this. I feel like, at a moment's notice, we will be called away and one, or both of us, will have to fight to save the other.

I am in a daze when he drops his book about two inches from the fire and grips the arms of the chair. I know he feels the cloudiness trying to seep into his brain and is fighting it away. I run to the kitchen and seek the box of medicine Dr. Aurelius sent over for Peeta. I grab a pill and wait for his grip on the arm rests to loosen. I give him a glass of water and the pill.

"How are you?" I ask while picking up his book.

"I've been better," he says. He smiles at me after having swallowed the pill. "Did I tell you how beautiful you look today?" He asks. I smile at him and shake my head. I'm sure I'm blushing by now. I hand him his book and pencil and gather my game bag and boots.

"I'm going hunting," I say, putting on my jacket. At first there is no answer from Peeta. Then he says "I want you to teach me." By this time he is standing in the door way with his jacket in his hand. _Teach him?_ I thought. But hunting's me and Gale's thing and even though we haven't spoken lately, it would feel so wrong. Those are our woods and our game. Yet, while I feel such devotion for Gale, the list of things I owe Peeta is never ending, so I agree. I dig up some of my old quivers, bows and arrows for him.

In the woods, his treads are heavy, as usual. He smiles apologetically when I tell him to try to step a little lighter. We spot a rabbit grazing nearby. I tell Peeta he can have that one if he'd like. Luckily, he has some training in archery from The Games training center. He kills the rabbit but through the stomach. I cringe. That rabbit wouldn't even be worth trading in the Hob. The disappointment is written on his face so I step in.

"Wow, that was such a good shot. I'm proud of you." That makes him smile. We go on like this for about an hour before he really starts to get better. He actually shoots through the eyes one time After about two more hours we are tired. We walk to the lake and slurp up some of the sweet water and rest against a tree. My hand seeks out Peeta's and we lock fingers.

I turn towards him and watch the sunlight dance off of his blond lashes. He looks at me and smiles and It's contagious because now I am smiling.

"What are you thinking?" He asks.

"I'm thinking about how you are the only happiness I have. The only person who really knows me that I have left. And I'm thinking about how I can't lose you," I say. A look of relief spreads across Peeta's face. It seems as if he had been waiting to hear those words since our first interaction with the bread so long ago.

"I never wanted to lose you. Not while I was really me, anyway," He says. I look down at my feet and find a yellow dandelion peeking from under my boot. The first I've seen since returning from the capitol. I pluck it and put it in Peeta's ear. He laughs at the gesture and takes it from his ear and put it in mine.

"That's more fitting," he says.

Back at the house, we find Greasy Sae washing some dishes. Peeta hands her the game back and she's ecstatic to have so many rabbits to work with. For dinner we have baked rabbit and bread made by Peeta. Haymitch even decides to join us. He's drunk, but he's here. He notices something between Peeta and I that no one else would've. When Peeta goes to his house to get a change of clothes, Haymitch and I are left alone.

"You're quit fond of him now, Sweat heart aren't you? Wonder what happened," he says smiling. Deep down I know he knows what happened so I laugh. When Peeta returns, Haymitch leaves with Greasy Sae.

Peeta and I are back in front of the fire place and Buttercup has his nose in some rabbit entrails. The phone rings, startling the three of us. Peeta gets it and I hear him speaking excitedly but don't inquire about who it is. Probably Dr. Aurelius checking on our progress. Peeta comes in the living room and tells me to get the phone. I pick up the phone and I am frozen at the sound of Gale's voice.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hey, Catnip," he says. He speaks the words so softly, it's as if we never stopped speaking in the first place.

"Gale," I sigh. I feel my heart beating in my throat. I want to yell at him. I want to ask him why he had disappeared. He abandoned me for some "fancy job" and left me to go insane. I wanted to ask him, why did he leave me to deal with Prim's death alone? Wasn't she family to him as well? Had it been Rory, I would have been by his side the entire time. As if reading my thoughts, he says, "I knew Peeta would take good care of you."

"Yeah," I say, "I took him hunting today."

"Oh?" Gale sounds a bit let down. "Did you have fun?"

"I did," I say. "How are you, Gale?"

"I'm well. Beetee and I have been working on a new type of train. It won't need a conductor, we can control it from the capitol by using remote GPS controls," he says. The excitement in his voice is unmistakable. I know he will never again return to District Twelve.

"You should come to District 2 when you have a chance. You and Peeta both," he says the last part like it was an afterthought.

"I guess I will. When I'm considered 'well', I guess they'll let me out of the District. Maybe by that time you'll be controlling my train ride from the capitol." We both laugh. I hear Beetee shout something in the background and Gale says he has to go. When we hang up, I hold the receiver to my ear just a little longer than necessary, just to make sure he is gone.

There is something stirring inside of me when I return to the living room. Nothing romantic for Gale but a sense of loss. I know things could never return to the way they were, but I could have never fathomed me without my very best friend. Peeta joins me on the couch and strokes my hair. This is why I love him. He understands what I feel, even when I don't. I lay my head on his shoulder and cry.

Crying seems to be all I'm good for lately. I guess after being so strong and chocking down so many cries, I can no longer do it. Peeta grabs my face and hold it between his hand. I look at him, taking in all of his scars and I cry more. The entire mess is my fault and because of me, we are both mutated orphans in a way. We are alienated, and even though we have Haymitch, he's a worse drunk then he was before. Peeta kisses me and I am a little shocked at his assertiveness.

"I know what you want to do, Katniss," he says, and I'm happy I don't have to say it. Telling him I want to go visit Gale sounds selfish. "We can go if you want," he says.

"You're willing to go?" I ask. I'm not sure why this surprises me, but it does.

"I'm not letting you leave my side. Not again," he says. We kiss again and I go call Dr. Aurelius. I explain to him how we want to go visit Beetee and Gale in District Two.

"Listen, Katniss, I can't authorize anything. You will have to wait at least six months to a year for me to say it's okay for you to leave your district unsupervised. I mean, if you want people to believe you killed Coin because you weren't mentally stable. If I agree to this, I will put myself at risk. I'm sorry, I helped with the trial because it was necessary, but this, I can't agree to right now," he says.

"Peeta will be there to watch over me," I say before I realize what I'm saying. Peeta is still battling with being hijacked and is in no position to chaperone. That's not a cover up, and he should be the one being supervised.

"You and I both know-"

"I know," I say cutting him off. "What if Haymitch comes?" I plead. Dr. Aurelius thinks about this.

"He's not so stable either, but he wasn't one of my patients. Okay, you can go, only if Haymitch agrees," he says.

I run and tell Peeta the news. We both make our way to Haymitch's to find him sprawled out on the kitchen floor. I nudge his side with my foot. He doesn't move. I pick up a bowl to and begin to fill it with water when I hear Peeta coaching him awake. Haymitch stands and searches for his bottle.

"What?" he grunts.

"We want to visit Gale, and we can't unless you're there, so pack a bag," I say.

"I'm not going anywhere," he says. Peeta and I look at each other confused.

"Why not?" asks Peeta.

"Because I don't want to. Besides, I have to take care of my geese."

I am compelled to argue with Haymitch but I know it's not worth it. He's not going to agree. Back home, Peeta sits on the couch and I rest my head in his lap.

"I know you're going anyway, Katniss," says Peeta.

"I am,"

"Okay, let's go," he says. I'm not used to Peeta being up for anything. He's usually the one with his head on straight, and it's Gale that is always up for the thrill.

We don't pack anything except food. We call Gale, tell him to expect us and walk to the train station as if everything is normal. I feel my stomach churn. The only time Peeta and I have been on a train is when we were going to the Games or on the Victory Tour. His hand tenses in mine.

"Peeta, it's okay," I say. He swallows hard and we step onto the platform. Waiting for the train is very agonizing. It's not the fancy trains that run to the Capitol, but it's still terrifying, nonetheless. When it arrives, our tickets are taken and we settle in on the hard wooden chairs. A large step down from the plush beds on the other trains. I let out a sigh of relief. I thought I would be required to have the slip with the approval signature from Dr. Aurelius. Everyone knows who I am and saw my trial on television. Perhaps no one really cares that Coin is dead anyway. Maybe the trail was just proper protocol.

The train ride from Twelve to Two takes a couple of days. Luckily, Peeta and I some cheese buns from the house. Upon arriving, Peeta and I stand on the platform. It is midday and the sun is burning bright. We scan the crowd for Gale, but he is nowhere in sight. After about fifteen minutes, Gales runs up to us and hugs me.

"We thought you abandoned us," says Peeta. They both laugh like old pals.

"No, I got stuck at work, sorry guys. But, how are you?" He asks. The discomfort on his face is evident and it's probably because Peeta and I are holding hands. I don't let go. I smile at Gale as if I'm the happiest person in the world, even though inside I am in agonizing pain. I want him to know that I didn't take his abandoning me out on Peeta, and that now, I am in love. After basking in a few moments of glee, I notice a red headed girl walking towards us. She has a round baby face with bright green eyes. Eyes that look awfully familiar.

"I want you to meet someone," Gale says. "This is my girlfriend Drania." You could knock me over with a feather. Peeta extends his hand to Drania and she smiles sweetly, extending her own. I do the same because I don't want Peeta to see the Jealousy.


	4. Chapter 4

"Oh my goodness, Katniss Everdeen, the Mockingjay! I am such a big fan. It's so very nice to meet you," she says. Her voice is so sweet. She reminds me of Delly and I find her impossible to dislike. It seems Gale has went and found himself a girl, who like Peeta, has little to no flame and rage. I avoid eye contact and conversation with Gale while we walk to his house.

Gale's home is more beautiful than what I could have imagined. Plush carpets, a large dining area and four bedrooms. One would have thought he was the Mockingjay. I want to believe that I don't know why I was shipped back to live on the ashes of my old life, but it's hard. To create a free world and then be tucked away while the ones around me live like kings. It's seems Peeta and I, the ones who suffered the most, are treated the worst. Perhaps it's Gale's job that has him living high on the hog.

Gale has someone preparing dinner for us while we have tea and cookies in his living room. He offered me coffee, but I don't want to relive that anxious feeling that I got the last time. Drania is so lovely. Her hair is curly and is in an attempted pony tail, but tendrils fall everywhere. She looks at Gale with such adoration.

"So where are you from?" I ask her.

"District Four," she says between sips. _Four_, Finnick! That's it, she looks just like Finnick.

"Are you related to-"

"Finnick Odair? No, but I get that often," she says.

"You are a spitting image," says Peeta. Drania giggles and nibbles on her cookie. Before we know it, the food is ready. At the table, Gale and I discuss the things we miss most about the old times. We make sure to avoid bringing up Prim though. Peeta is even able to join the conversation when we talk about people from school. Drania sits, eyes full of amusement as she looks back and forth between us.

"How long are you guys staying?" Drania asks. _What?_ I think. Does she live with Gale or something? Why is that any of her business? I pretend not to hear her and bury my face in my plate of onion soup with bread. An awkward silence falls over us and Drania looks nervous.

"Only for two days," says Peeta. I'm happy he answered her because I wasn't going to. Gale collects the dishes and Peeta helps him take them to the kitchen. Drania looks at me, dabbing her mouth with a napkin. We stare at each other for a long time before either of us speaks. The tension is building and negativity spreads through the atmosphere.

"So," she says, "You killed Coin, which indirectly kills Snow, and become the creator of the 'free-world'. How does it feel?"

"Excuse me?" I ask. I can't believe what this girl is saying to me. Did Gale leave us alone on purpose?

"You heard me, Katniss" she hisses. I stand up and walk over to her. She is sitting and I am standing directly over her.

"What's it to you?" I ask.

"I just don't want you thinking you are so big that you can trot in here with Peeta and leave with both of them," she says.

"As you know, Gale has been my friend and always will be. I suppose you're jealous because he talks about me? Because you think he's thinking of me? Well you're just going to have to get over that, Drania," I say.

"You can't have him," she snaps.

"I don't want him, I'm in love with Peeta, so just get over yourself."

"You have no idea what you want. Peeta and Gale both need to watch their backs around you. If you could, you would trade one for the other every week. The whole world knows it. You thought you were fooling us? You would have one big happy family with the both of them if you could. You're just a _slut,_" Drania says. The word "slut" stings, but I don't know how to defend myself. I've always been one to come up short in arguments. She's wrong, I know she's wrong, but in my heart, I feel there's something right about what she said. Perhaps I would trade one for the other. Peeta's sensitivity versus Gale's fight, there is no wrong decision. If she thinks these things, does Gale? More importantly, does Peeta?

"That's what I thought, now sit down and act like we're friends because they're coming."

I want to reach down her throat and snatch her esophagus out, but the guys were returning. I sit and give her a look that says "This isn't over" and we greet Gale and Peeta with smiles.

Peeta rubs my back when he walks past me and I grab his hand and press it against my cheek. Drania smiles and winks at me. She's lucky I didn't bring my bow and arrow or else she would have a new head accessory. After two more hours, we all retire to bed. While Peeta is fast asleep, snoring even, sleep evades me.

At about four in the morning, I hear footsteps tipping along the hall outside of our door. At first, I thought it was Gale going to the bathroom, but the steps seem to be carefully placed, only a bit heavy. Gales would never walk so heavy. I untangle myself from Peeta's arms and lift my head just a little. Perhaps I have disturbed him because he has stopped snoring. The door pushes open and I slam my head back down and pretend to be sleeping.

The clumsy steps are approaching my side of the bed. I open my eyes to find Drania standing over me.


	5. Chapter 5

"We need to talk," she says. I open my mouth to speak, but it's not my voice that comes out, it's Peeta's.

"Whatever it is, it can wait until she's up and about," he says, and pulls me closer.

"No, it can't," she says. Peeta and I both get up and follow Drania into the living room where we find a Guardian Angel. After the Peacekeepers were brought down, the new government replaced them with Guardian Angels. They are supposed to be much more civil than the Peacekeepers. The Guardian Angel asks me for a slip that permitted me to be here.

"I don't have one," I say.

"Why? You know you are not allowed out of your district without one,"

"She doesn't have it because I have it," says Peeta, "Just let me go get it." Peeta returns with a legit looking slip and the Guardian Angel approves it. Drania looks completely embarrassed as the Guardian Angel walks past her shooting her a disapproving look.

Back in our room, I want to ask Peeta where he got the slip from but I'm afraid that Drania might be listening. Suddenly, I miss Johanna Mason. Her antics seem like child's play compared to Drania's. In the morning, we all sit for eggs and bacon. Peeta, Drania nor I mention the situation to Gale. He seems so happy with her. He kisses her on the cheek and strokes her untamed hair. I am nauseated by how jealous I become. All the while, I was rubbing Peeta in Gale's face to enjoy his discomfort, he had a better plan.

After breakfast, Peeta pulls Gale aside. I can't help but eve's drop on the conversation they're having in the kitchen from the dining room.

"We have to go home today," Peeta says.

"Why?" asks Gale.

"Because Katniss hasn't been feeling too well. She didn't want to say anything but we need to go home and get her pills. Plus, I don't feel so hot either," he says. Drania, who's also listening, smiles and I roll my eyes at her. We both settle in back on the chairs as the guys approach.

Back on the train, I ask Peeta how he was able to get the slip.

"Well, Dr. Aurelius sent some over for Haymitch to use when he escorted us, but I kept them just in case Haymitch couldn't keep up with you," he says, nudging me with his elbow. "So what was that all about with Drania?" he asks.

"She doesn't like me. I think she's jealous," I say.

"I see that. She probably feels about you the way I used to feel towards Gale."

"Last night, while you guys were in the kitchen, she said some things to me that really made me angry,"

"Like what?"

"Like, how I came so that I could leave with Gale and blah, blah, blah" I say.

"What's the 'blah, blah, blah'?" he asks.

"I don't remember, Peeta, but it doesn't matter because it's not true. The point is, I'm with the one I want to be with so there's nothing to worry about."

"Are you?" he asks.

"Yes, I am."

He looks out of the window. I know he's thinking that perhaps, Drania is on to something. With eyes filled with concern, he asks,

"What if there was no Quarter Quell? Forget that, what if you didn't volunteer, or what if I wasn't reaped into the Games, you would have married Gale. You would've been happy with him and I just would've been a story you told when you spoke of your childhood. Perhaps when you would've told a story about how you almost starved to death, I just would've have been a nameless boy with bread."

"Peeta, please don't talk like that. Don't even think like that, none if it's true, now stop it."

"Of course it is, Katniss. You loved me by choice. Now what if you chose to stop? Where does that leave me?"

"But I won't stop!"

"What if Gale comes back to Twelve?" he asks.

"Peeta, please," I beg.

"Exactly," he says. His voice is hollow, just like it was the day we returned from the Games. I start to cry. Not because I'm upset that he's questioning my love for him, but because there's some truth in his words. I can't convince him that I don't love Gale, because I do, but not the same way. I will always be forever grateful for Peeta, I will always owe him my life, I will always feel like loving him is the least I can do. Loving him is the only way I can demonstrate my boundless gratitude. Of course I can't say this to Peeta, he will take it the wrong way.

"Peeta, is me loving you not good enough? Is it not enough that I'm very much _in _love with you?" I ask. He continues looking out of the window. "Peeta, please look at me?" I wait until I have his attention to continue. "Is it not enough to live in the reality that is us and not focus on the 'what ifs' that never will be?"

"Katniss, you don't understand and you never will." he says. I can't respond. There is nothing I could possibly say that will convince Peeta of my devotion for him and only him. After twenty minutes of silence, he allows me to rest my head on his shoulder and he strokes my hair. I sleep the entire ride back.


	6. Chapter 6

When we're back in 12, Peeta goes straight to his house. I wan't to reach out and grab him, tell him to come back, but I let him go. I can't fight with him anymore, nor can I try to convince him of something that words can't describe. I get my arrows and go hunting. In the woods, I feel a alienated. Peeta has tainted my space and now I want him here, but not only him; Gale too.

My heart aches so bad that I can't even raise my arrow. Being faced with the fact that I have no one in a place that once held everyone who meant anything to me. I know that I have to make things right, but I'm not sure how. Peeta was always the one who could say anything and it would be charming and my words only get me into trouble. I sit on the hollow log that usually houses my weapons and rest my head on my hands. Overhead, a mokingjay sits, and for a long while, I watch it. I almost sing to it, but there is nothing to sing about. I can't sing Rue's song because it hurts now more than ever that I was unable to save her _and_ Prim. I don't want to sing "The Hanging Tree" because I will be reminded of Gale.

Then it hit me again. All of it. I've lost everyone I ever loved. I have put my entire world at stake, and just as he promised, Snow brought it down. I weaken with guilt, pain and self loathing, and fall down into the grass. I feel myself ball up into a knot and I lay there. It is impossible for me to cry anymore because I've done so much of that lately. I don't care about the predators that creep about, I have slept among many of my enemies before. I shut my eyes and stay there for a long time.

I'm not sure how many hours past before I hear footsteps. My body tells me to jump up and arm myself, but I am unable. My heart is too heavy. I don't even open my eyes to see who it is. The footsteps stop in front of me and I hear Haymitch's voice. "Sweetheart, what are you doing here? I've been looking for you all day," he says. There is no hint of the drunken fool in his voice. Perhaps he was so worried that he managed to sober up for a few hours. He picks me up and carries me back into 12. We are well beyond the fence when I decide to open my eyes. It's dark and the streets are empty. There are lights glowing from the widows of the homes that are actually occupied. I wrap both arms around Haymitch's neck. He's not much, but he's all I have right now, and I'm trying to hold on to him. "I know," he says as if reading my thoughts, and gives my back a pat.

When we approach Victors Village, he puts me down and I walk the rest of the way, letting my bow and arrows drag along the ground. Haymitch comes inside with me and turns on some of the lights. Buttercup greets me with his kitten mews as if begging for food. "I got nothing, stupid," I say, and I plop down on the couch. Greasy Sae has been here, I can tell because Buttercup has left some scraps of bones on the floor and I know Haymitch didn't feed him.

Haymitch slides my feet off of the couch and sits down. I still lay there with half of my body on the floor.

"What's wrong, Katniss?" he asks.

"I got nothing," I say with my face in a pillow. Haymitch lets out a long sigh.

"We all got nothing, Sweetheart, that's just the way it is now," he says.

"But I want it all back! I want my sister and I want my father!" I scream. My voice is cracking and my throat tightens. "I want them back, Haymitch!" I am crying so violently now that my whole body is shaking. "Why? Why did they leave me here to suffer? Hunh? Why did Cinna go? And Rue? And Finnick? They should've just killed me."

"They tried," he says. His voice is cold. I sob in return. Haymitch stand up and paces the floor. "Listen, Katniss, life's not easy, but you have to deal with it."

"How? Turn to the bottle like you? Get so lost in spirit that I can hardly see straight?" I spit out.

"Okay, you get a free pass because you're upset, but one more comment like that and you can add me to the list of people you lost," he says. My first instinct it to tell him off but I decide against it because he's all I have right now. "What you have to realize is, we all sacrificed people. And as harsh as it may sound, it's true. But you do have Gale, you do have your mother and you do have me, at the very least, Katniss. Now you let me tell you who that boy has," he points in the direction of Peeta's house. "You and me. That is it. He loves you so much that he was still willing to die for you after finding out you didn't love him in return. You don't even have the decency to consider that."

I sit up and bite the inside of my bottom lip. Haymitch is right.

"You know, Haymitch, I was able to convince Snow that I loved Peeta but why can't I convince Peeta?" I ask.

"Because he has to feel it." He points to my heart.

"But I'm trying," I say.

"How? By taking him along to visit Gale? Don't you get it? That is why I said 'no' in the first place Katniss. You don't _think_. Peeta swallows his pride and sits on a train for days to go see Gale for you, would you have done that for him? No, and you know it. Yes, he's sensitive right now, but look at you. You're falling apart at everything and he's being strong for _you._ He has to deal with his long term effects of being hijacked alone because you need to be tended to. He's lost any and everything he loves and he hasn't broken down once since he got back home. His brother, mother and father will never come back," Haymitch says. "Sometimes, I think you're the only one who means anything to yourself."

Haymitch leaves the house and I am alone. It is such a familiar feeling now. I am fuming at his last statement, though. How could he think I don't care about anyone but myself? Haven't I proven that I cared about all of Panem? After tossing these thoughts back and forth in my head, I realize he is right. I'm not sure what I have to do to convince Peeta that I love him, but I know I have to try. I go to the kitchen and get his pills. I am outside of his house when I notice none of his lights are on. I knock on the door for about five minutes, and when he doesn't answer, I go to the back window and climb in. Panic has consumed me and I'm assuming the worse now.

"Peeta," I call out. There is no answer. I hate this feeling. This is the same way I felt when I couldn't find him in the Quarter Quell, right before the explosion. "Peeta," I call out again. There's no answer, still. I am walking up the stairs when I hear a thump from Peeta's room. I drop the pills and run up the stairs. When I kick is door open, Peeta is laying face down on the floor, digging up the wood with his nails.

"Peeta!" I say. I'm not sure what to do. He looks up at me and I know it isn't him. I'm not sure that I should be here because he was already so upset with me. This episode could probably intensify.

"Get out, Katniss. Just go away," he mutters. I actually consider it, until I look at his bloody fingers. He has so many splinters in his hands; I'm surprised he isn't in pain.

"No, I'm staying." I say. I take a couple of steps towards him, and he digs harder.

"Get out. Just get out, now," he yells at me. Usually, by now I would have a pill at hand, but I threw them down while running. I cautiously approach him until I am directly above him. I wait a second to see if he's going to attack me. There's no one here to save me if he does. When he doesn't seem to notice me, I kneel down and grab one of his hands.

"Peeta stop, you're hurting yourself," I say as I bend down and grab one of his hands in mine. At first, his grip is tight, but it gradually loosens. "Come on, " I say, pulling him up. Reluctantly, he rises. He avoids looking at me, though. I walk him over to his bed and sit him down. His face is beet red and he's trembling. Unsure of what to say, I run my fingers through his hair and whisper, "Peeta, it's okay."

I kneel in front of him and take his face between my hands. I know this is a daring move, but if I'm going to be with him, I can't be afraid of him, even when he is like this. I hesitate for a moment before I press my lips against his. He doesn't welcome my kiss, but he doesn't resist it either. I pull away and his eyes meet mine. He looks so sad, which surprises me because I am expecting anger.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. He shakes his head and looks away.

"I need my pills," he says.

"I have them." I stand up patting my pockets and then I remember I dropped them. I get him the pills and a glass of water. He swallows his pill and then lays on his back with his head resting on his arm. I sit on the edge of his bed by his feet.

"Why are you here?" He asks with his eyes closed.

"Because you were wrong," I say. He smiles and then bursts into sarcastic laughter.

"I am wrong," he repeats. "About what, Katniss?"

"Well," I say, "I do love you. I told you I am in love with you. It's unfair to assume what would've happened if we wouldn't have met. I don't know what would have become of Gale and me, but I know it doesn't matter now. When I'm alone, I think about you and how you snuck up on me. I wasn't supposed to love you, and no, I didn't choose to love you either. You found your way into my heart and it feels so right. It feels like you belong here." I stop for a moment, waiting for a response, but he says nothing. "Okay, look at me," I say. He sits up and looks at me. "I can't put into words how much you mean to me because I'm not good at that. You were the one who could say anything and it sounds good, not me.

"I just want you to know that, this right here," I say pointing to my heart, "it's yours. All of it. I know what you have gone through because of me and I will spend the rest of my life trying to repay you. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you happy. If you'll let me."

"So, all of this is because you feel like you owe me?" he asks. At this moment, I know I have failed. I get up and walk towards the door and just as I reach the first step, I feel his hand grab mine.

"Where are you going?" He asks. I shrug and try to pull my hand lose. "Stay with me," he says. I smile and think "_Always"._


End file.
